immune system, sexism & a breather

my new computer background...lovely.

As I take a five-ten minute break (I hope...Zora has been down for an hour and a half...her longest nap this ailment), I want to post an "update" on the info I got back from the dr. & all the tests I had done several weeks ago. It seems that fifth virus this year (three of the five lasted for almost a week) was nothing more than a virus (or so they say...I'm probably rotting away on the inside).
Lots of blood work, stool samples (fun times) & questions revealed nada. I asked why I would be getting this sick this frequently & the reply was laughable, "Wash your hands. Exercise. Eat well. Get enough sleep. It seems your immune system is compromised by something."
How about life, lady? I wash like crazy (although I fear mega, super bugs, so no antibacterial soap & organic hand sanitizers). I wash my kids, their clothes, my house, our hands after shopping, before eating, after potty...etc. I love to workout & do it as much as possible, but for now at least three times a week might be it. I eat really well most days. I've never been one to crave fast food or junk. Ah, sleep. Yes, that thing which I cannnot find time for...and once I drift off, I've got these two small people who wake me up.
*and Zora just woke up...with a fever. That's another big thing. When the kids are sick, as she has been for going on two months, I don't sleep. Barclay helps me, but usually they want mom. Z. is better than L. was (much) about accepting daddy, but I'm the main food supply, so we meet a lot if she needs comfort + calories, esp. when she doesn't want to eat actual food.
Aside from the kids waking, there is the kiddie daytime stuff + the house. When they are sick or just bc they are little, cleaning is such a daily job. (Plus cooking, dishes, general picking up of the millionth thing they drug out today, taking care of anything "home" related).
And then there are all the conflicts in my brain: I haven't read to her today! Why am I mopping if we haven't read? He needs me to spend time with him, too. I'm so far behind on scrapbooking! What if I forget something? I want to remember that he uses "Winnie the Pooh" phrases like "goorse bush" right now. She snarls & pokes out both lips just before she cries. I need to measure his closet so we can build shelves, and paint our room...and the living room...and find someone to replace that big window. I feel like I haven't seen my husband in a week. Did I send a thank you card for that baby gift that came really late? Ahhh!
I feel like a failure as a s-a-h mom some days. Other days I feel okay, but I never feel like the champion I once felt like with one kid & a tiny apartment to clean. The two-kid, big house thing has been kicking my butt. I want Zora to be smart, prepared & confident (along with a million other things). I feel like Langston was all those things at two bc he was my world 24/7.
I wonder sometimes if dads ever feel all these conflicting emotions...and if they say, in the words of one of my classmates with two kids, "if mama naps, the house suffers." I couldn't agree with that more! As I type this, I am nursing my wheezing small fry. As I watch an episode on hulu, I nurse or fold laundry, I dust & catch up w old friends or cook & play with the kids (unless B. is both home & willing to "help" me by playing w them). Our days of Barclay asking me, "what did you do all day" seem to be over. (Either he understands or knows not to ask that EVER again.) As I think about starting to work a few hours a week again, I wonder how the house or my body might suffer. Then again, it might be good for everyone involved. The kids are getting older. By the time Z. is two, I know she'll be playing by herself for a little while. I remember when I was getting ready one morning when L. was little & I realized I had time to "fix" my hair or just sit down & breathe...he didn't need me so desperately every minute. When she is well, Zora is generally less needly than L., so I know her independence is on it's way. I just hope my immune system can fight off all bugs until then.