Where to begin? I guess at the beginning...
One of the things that has been tough for me since Zora's birth is feeling like Langston is so grown-up, or feeling like his baby-hood has flown by. I think that when I hold another baby (nurse, talk to, dress, bathe...another), it reminds me that: 1. it isn't L. 2.she'll grow up so fast, too. I feel like I will enjoy (& so far have enjoyed) all phases of my kids baby & toddler-hood, but I'll confess that I am one of those parents who really wants to be with my kids almost 24-7.
I do want time alone with my husband & time alone for just me, but I also want to be the one taking care of my kids, whether it be helping them potty or reading or playing or cleaning while they play pretend. It was tough on me when I had just had Zora & I couldn't spend time with L., even though we were in the same house, bc Zora needed me so often. Then comes the emotional tearing...I don't want Zora to ever feel like L. is a "favorite." I love her, too, of course. We are just bonding & sharing lots of sweet feeding time (all day -night). I just started reading to her (just her) & she's "talking" & cooing so sweetly. I know that we'll fall in love just like L. & I did.
I have just been so accustomed to spending every day of my life (for the past 3 1/2 years) seeing the same chubby cheeks (with small dimples around the lips), dark eyes (just like his dad), and sweet ears (one with a little elf lump on top).
I think that God gave me my family to teach me who I am and how to love like Him. I remember around the time I got pregnant with Langston I felt like I loved Barclay more and more every day. I thought "how wonderful marriage is! I hope we love each other more & more every year!" Of course, having babies, being students, not having money or family close by us was tough, but it also taught me who I was...and grew me into who I am. We struggled with each other & beside each other, but we can look back now and see our growth. I look back & am ashamed of how selfish & petty I could be before I had kids ( I don't mean to say that I am never that way now). I didn't fully know who I was till after I gave birth to Langston. I didn't understand what it was to love like this. I think that having children has made me love Barclay with more patience, to let go of some of my protective parenting ways, & to lean on him more. He is what I prayed for in a husband that would "challenge me" to be who I should be. He won't let me get away with half-way doing things when I should be doing my best. I appreciate that. He also thinks I'm a good mom. I appreciate that, too.
When I was feeling like I was breaking from the inside out about all this kid stuff, he was really great. I want to be such a great mom. I didn't feel like I could possibly do all I wanted to do for each child. I didn't feel like I got to meditate on Zora (on her growing inside me, who we would be to each other, ...) like I did Langston. I didn't feel like I got to pray about or for her like I did for Langston. And, the truth is, I probably didn't. I had to be a full-time mom for him as I grew her. It was quite a bit different, but I guess that happens when a mom of 1 becomes a mom of 2. My love for her isn't less, but my time is. I know that L. will be in school in such a short time & Zora & I will have sweet days, just like L. and I do now. I just have to have faith that I am doing the best I can & not be so hard on myself. And it's much easier said than done.
And all these feelings of balancing children lead me to one more emotional decision that we made during my pregnancy. Since our 2 times of unprotected sex resulted in 2 children, we knew that since we didn't want to have any more (adopt; maybe, have; no.), something permanent should be in order. Barclay is going to have "the surgery" this summer. Even though the end of my pregnancy was less than wonderful & labor was rough, I had trouble with "closing the door" on more babies from us. I don't really want to be pregnant again...and then some moments I do. I don't want to labor again...but, maybe. There is something about that kind of experience that is so bitter-painful-magical-pure that it's difficult to say "never again," esp. at only 27-years-old. And yet, we'll probably say "no more" this summer. I'm getting more okay with it. I know I have to. And I also know that we both have had desires to adopt. There are so many babies out there waiting to be loved. It would be wonderful to give one of them a home & family who loves them.
We'll make those decisions when the time comes. Until then, this is some of what's been on my heart for the past several weeks. Thanks to all the moms who have offered wisdom or a listening ear. Girlfriends are a blessing to have in all times, esp. times like these. Please enjoy the pix of my little boy swinging in G'ville & my big boy swinging in Macomb. Let's all remember that "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Seize it.
4 comments:
My hubby had "the surgery" this past spring. After two premie babies, we said no more. But I totally get the sad feelings when you think there will not be another life growing inside you or getting to experience pregnancy again. For me, the feelings come and go and I think they always will - but I know that "the surgery" was the best decision for my family, so it makes it okay. Hope all goes well!
Ah, Sonya, I just adore you. I share so many of those same thoughts and feelings. The 2nd kid gets the emotionally torn mommy for awhile. It does get easier and the baby grows and as the 2 kids start showing signs of their own relationship. You're so sweet. I wish we lived closer.
Oh Sonya - I want to come give you a great big hug. I love you.
I am right there with you, Sonya - feeling town. Although I'm not a mother of two, I am a mother with basically 2 lives. I constantly struggle with whether or not I should be home with Aurelia all the time, but I also think that God has opened so many doors for me to get my degree and teach that it seems that path is the right thing, too. The balance is always very hard to find whether it is between a job and one child or between to kiddos. I know that am growing right now, but it sure is painful! Thanks for your honesty.
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